Why

...the Eternal Wannabe?
Because thats what I am. It seems on reflection that everything I ever do I think I begin with the best intentions but it all seems to go to shit.

I have a son I haven't seen in 17 years. His mother and I slept together a few times then broke up. A lot of why we broke up was to do with my drinking and amphetamine use which was , at the age of 19, excessive by any standard. I tried to clean up my act, but she saw through me and asked me to stay away and let her raise our son alone. The longer I stay away, the harder it gets. I pray for and dread the day , if it ever comes, that he wants to meet me.

My first marriage was a disaster, although when I married her I wanted to do the "right thing" because she too became pregnant. I was a little more successful in staying with her for six years, but constant fighting made the environment toxic, and I left. I took a job in Saudi Arabia as , when I left her, I left her with everything - I signed over the house and everything we owned to her and walked out with a bag of clothes and a bag of CD's.

Fast forward to today. I have good standard of living, great job, make good money and have what appears to many to be an ideal life. However, this marriage to is teetering on a precipice. My current wife is a truly wonderful woman in so many ways. She is beautiful and smart. She loves me.
She does however suffer from depression. This depression is frustrating for me because she is the type of person who won't ask for help with anything. Consequently, for the last six years she has stumbled over bouts of suicidal thought, self loathing and attacks on me in an attempt to make me hate her, thereby proving her lack of worth. Don't get me wrong, this was not constant, and a lot of the time her beautiful personality shone through and obscured her demons. Most people we know have no idea she suffers like this.
In the last 3 years her depression has taken on a new and more troubling symptom, that of binge alcoholism. She gets on a downer (and I ALWAYS know it's coming, even when she appears in every way normal) and she goes on a binge. I've found her shitfaced drunk, vomiting in the bathroom downstairs at 3 in three morning after waiting till I go to bed, then caning the booze.
She had surgery earlier this year. The first day after surgery I came home from work at lunch to check on her and she was drunk at 11 in the morning, not knowing I'd be home.
These are just two examples of many.
She refused to go to a therapist or a psychiatrist, but did try AA once. It wasn't to her liking and she quit.
After another weekend of her getting shitfaced drunk and fighting with me (we rarely fight when she's sober), I told her I'd had enough, and we were through. I tried everything I could think of to encourage her to get help .She refused and I felt like I had nothing left to give. It hurts me even now to think about being without her, and I will always love her dearly for the wonderful person she can be, but I can't deal with hidden booze,lying, sneaking around, waiting until I go to bed and "denying everything when she's breathing fumes in my face" any more. I just don't have it in me any more.

I not only want to be the husband my wife deserves. I also want to be a professional fighter, a professional motorcycle racer and a lottery winner. That'll never change, hence the name.